Monday, April 18, 2011

I'll Teach Her Etiquette...

I read one of those tabloidy articles the other day about all the things Kate Middleton will have to give up once she grafts herself to the Royal family like a lovely pine branch to the gnarliest, oldest oak tree in the forest.

The silly bit about most of the things from which she must abstain is that they are almost entirely matters of choice, or the whim of other Royal family members. For instance, the Duke of York forbade the playing of Monopoly because they all get too vicious. Sounds about right, to me. Bunch of rich people with so few meaningful things to do they end up taking their stupid little games way too seriously.

She also will be expected to keep clear of the polling booths. No voting for Royals, apparently, although legally she could if she wanted to. And no shellfish, no more being called "Kate," no signing anything unofficial, and no eating after the Queen finishes her tacos. Not even another chip. Put the churro down and step away from the queso dip!

But isn't this a monumental moment? She's the first commoner to marry into the Royal family, and I believe it's up to her to educate them all about how common commoners can be. If the young Princes are going to bypass the time-honored tradition of marrying their own cousins in favor of slumming with the children of people who are merely only rich, then they deserve what they get.

No mamby pamby regal rules. No worrying over proper etiquette so as to avoid any improprieties at the polo grounds. No curtsying, bowing, kissing of rings, kissing of asses, or expecting the same in return.

If I could give young Kate any single piece of advice it would be this: after you take your wedding vows, as you turn to head back up the aisle toward your carriage, just as you reach the first row of stuffed shirt guests -- and please, Kate, before Elton-freaking-John sings your wedding song -- hike up your right knee, bend a little at the waist, screw up your face, and let a really loud one rip through the cathedral.

I can't imagine any better way to declare the dawning of a new age.

© 2011 Mark Feggeler


  1. I think that WOULD set the right tone! Great idea!

  2. I felt it would have much more impact than a burp, or even throwing up. There's something very intentional and declarative about passing wind.