So there I was, recuperating from having just had my privates slashed and burned, flat on my back in bed with a family-size bag of frozen peas thawing across my groinal area.
Don't feel sorry for me. I had a pretty clear idea what I was getting myself into.
Once we found out My Lovely Wife was pregnant with twins, we agreed that she would have her tubes tied if she ended up delivering them by cesarean. If not, then I would have a vasectomy. Through two pregnancies, she suffered months of morning sickness and gave birth to three babies. I figured if I had to go in for one 20-minute outpatient procedure, I was getting off easy.
Still, the experience was not a pleasant one. And all the kidding about the ease of the procedure in comparison to childbirth went out the window after My Lovely Wife watched the entire operation from her front row seat like a rubber-necker watching paramedics extricating a body from a car wreck. I was uncomfortable. She looked like she was ready to pass out.
To show her appreciation for my sacrifice, minimal though that sacrifice was, she presented me with a gift to take my mind off my rapidly bruising nether region -- a videotape copy of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." The film had been in the theaters the year before, but we had not yet gotten all caught up in the Harry-steria like we are now. Let's face it, the books were intended for slightly older children. At the time, our boys were only months old and Dr. Seuss was all the rage in Our Daughter's reading library.
It's a testament to the strength of the story J.K. Rowling... You know, I never pronounce her name the same way twice. "Row-ling" as in rowing a boat? "Raw-ling" as in raw meat? "R-ow-ling" as in my brain goes "ow" when I think about it too much? I tend to pick one of them at random and confidently throw it out like she and I are old friends and I'm the only one who knows how to pronounce it correctly.
Anyway, it's a testament to the strength of the story J.K. Rowling created that neither Hollywood nor a prostate swollen to the size of a grapefruit with bruising halfway down to my knees could ruin it.
Since then, we have seen all of the movies and I have spent hours reading the books aloud to our children. Being 10, our boys are the perfect age for the whole experience. And, at 13, Our Daughter is young enough to enjoy the escapist fantasy, while also old enough to admire the cute guys. I'm sure she is one of a league of teen girls wishing Rowling had not killed off Cederic Diggory. Who knew Robert Pattinson would be so dreamy?
With the last Harry Potter film hitting theaters at midnight tonight, it's difficult to believe the ride is coming to an end. I, for one, will be shocked if Rowling does not revisit the series in the near future. She has created a world rich in detail that allows her to go back in time and detail some of its ancient history, or travel on into the future with the generations that follow Harry, Hermoine and Ron.
Either way, only I have the answer to the most important question a man in my situation needs to know: You will walk normally after a couple days, but you won't feel right in your shorts for about a month.
© 2011 Mark Feggeler