Naughty Bits

I've discovered the key to bloggerific internet success and I'm ready to share it with you. Lean close to your computer screen and I'll whisper it in your ear.

A little closer.

Closer...

Here it is. Don't tell anyone, okay?

Naughty words.

You must understand how foolish I felt upon discovering this simple truth after having spent the past two years worrying about the content of my blog posts. Content, feh! What good has it done me to fret over wording, context, grammar and style? Where is the reward for baring my soul (or at least my chocolate cravings) to the world?

Had I known all this time that the key to driving traffic to my silly blog lie in the placement of a few carefully combined mischievous morphemes in the title of each post, I would have scoured the world to quarry a collection of indecorous utterances for just that purpose.

Forget about sentimental stories of my children and Lovely Wife. Forget humorous rants about whatever might be striking my fancy on any given day. Forget, again, any rules learned through years of schooling and professional practice regarding sentence structure and supporting a thesis. They all have led me nowhere in a great big hurry.

Blog post titles such as "Toilet on the Edge," "Pink Snuggie Thief," and "Sissy Hissy Fit" also have not paid off in comparison to the value of the time spent creating them, especially when compared to the traffic generated by two little words in the title of one recent post. What are those two words?

Naked Midgets.

Back on August 11th, I published a post titled "Frilly Beds & Naked Midgets." The post initially received the same immediate response most of my posts receive. There seemed to be nothing remarkable about it. I wrote it, some friends and family read it, and we all moved on with our lives.

But two months later it has not died. It is the most visited post of the 130 I've written so far, with a 60% lead on the next closest post. Each and every day it receives at least one more hit. Think I'm exaggerating? A quick check of the stats shows exactly 31 surfers finding this blog in the last 30 days because they searched for those words and only those words.

So, with the data seemingly backing up my hasty hypothesis, I fully intend from this moment forth to craft salaciously suggestive titles for all future blog posts, regardless of the content. Keep an eye open for my next post, "Chunky Butts."

I don't know what it will be about, but I guarantee it'll rocket to the top of the charts!

Bloggie Limbo

So, Blogger has been down since Wednesday.

Not that I noticed straight away. It wasn’t until yesterday, when My Lovely Wife bemoaned the lack of recent posts, that I tried and failed to log in due to the service being down. Actually, My Lovely Wife didn’t so much bemoan the lack of recent posts as she bemoaned the lack of recent good posts. Ouch!

Since I typically publish new posts only two or three times a week, the inaccessibility of Blogger really isn’t all that impactful on my bloggericiousness.

Measured on the great bloggometer -- which runs from “I Wrote One Post Then Gave Up” all the way to “I’d Kill a Nun Holding Three Kittens and an Orphan In Order to Publish My Next Post” – I am somewhere between “Mildly Amused” and “Reasonably Dedicated.”

If anything, Blogger being down is a welcome treat. Nothing new posted? Blame blogger. Can’t come up a good idea for the next post? Doesn’t matter! Couldn’t post it if I wanted to.

At this crazy busy time of year, Blogger being down gives me a guilt-free break from blogging that I am finding strangely therapeutic. Maybe I can take this time to think of some “good” topics to write about.



2011 Mark Feggeler